I have to believe that the desire I have is good and righteous, holy and unselfish. If so, it must be from God, or at the very least, I have to assume the appetite I have can be fed, somewhere, or else why would I have it?
I have to believe that the longing I have for more of God in ways that don't bore me or feel like the script of a Disney movie, full of predictability, is okay to have. I mean, it's not God I'm bored with.
But I don't believe it. I want to. But I don't. Not yet. For now I'm still scared. Certainly scared to share it. What a risk I take in even blogging it! What will people think?
I contemplated the risk at a women's study yesterday. Prayer request time. I was third up and one woman had offered the typically safe family-member-health-issue and another had ventured a little deeper with feelings toward her husband over a family decision. I knew what I was thinking... I am bored! I am having a hard time coming to this study and this church and doing this bible study and singing these songs and I really just want something MORE but I can't articulate it and I am afraid you will be insulted if I do and that I sound arrogant for my boredom, but I'm thinking about Egypt and the protests and the Muslims and Christians covering for one another and what that says about their faith and where God is at work in that country and about my new Iranian friend and the book on the Congo I just finished and where God's handprint is in the Congolese and how surely there is a deeper more meaningful way to worship than the way we do it week after week and where are we going to find it and so can you pray for me, that I do?
And then it was my turn.
I wanted to believe that all those thoughts and longings were really from God, that I could be transparent because I really am praying for some answers, that the women at the table could handle it, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't take the risk. I shared the most surface thing about someone else I could think of in the moment, and every woman after followed suit. It was horrible! A table of women floating in the shallow space of the very opposite of intimacy, authenticity, transparency, and worship! Yuck!
I have to believe I am not alone. And I have to decide I am not going to perpetuate that space any more. I suppose this blog is my accountability. My public confession to stop participating in the Disney version of life. I am looking for more. And I would love to hear from you if have found yourself having similar longings.
6 comments:
Oooooh. Good post.
I started a small group with 3 other guys to start an accountability group (after going on a men's retreat) and we spent most evenings together playing board games and getting to know each other. I of course loved the games, the hangout time with guys, the fellowship and conversation that happened during the game times, but eventually, we had to talk about more deeply. While everyone there was feeling the same way I (and you) was feeling, no one could step up and share the crap that we wanted to talk about but didn't feel safe enough to talk about.
So here's the issue. Someone has to start. That someone has to be you, since you are the person vocalizing it. You've already done the hard part, putting it out there for people to hear/read. Now you just have to do it face to face with other sinners. I seemed to be that person for our group, and although it was hard, as soon as I opened up, everyone else felt safe enough to say some of what was on their heart. Did they spill everything that first time? No. But it let them test the waters and see how we would respond.
I completely understand how sad it is to be around people who aren't as happy/perfect as they show on the outside and who will only share superficial issues. But no one is going to start sharing until you do... :)
May God give you the courage you need next time you get together!
ugh. I feel your pain. But the exciting thing is... YOU can totally change that culture. Refuse to let it get to you, and stay true to being authentic! I know a kindred spirit will show up and join you. I'm struggling through a small taste of this myself.
What craziness there is in the expression of desire! You are absolutely beautiful and your passion for the Lord -- and your boredom with empty expressions of worship and intimacy - come from deep, deep places that I believe are honoring to yourself and Him.
Let us make this journey of risk together!
I love that your husband is affirming this longing! I agree that it is a desire placed from the Lord and that someone needs to share it. Having lived overseas, you have a greater understanding of the Christian life outside of America. Challenge those you meet. Share your struggles. Let God move in them as you share...just as He was challenging me as I read your post.
Praying that God will give you inspiration and continued hunger for more of Him!
Thank you guys for your thoughts and comments. Good to hear the admonition. @Kay, may you struggle well!
Sweet sister, I don't know you but I totally relate to your feeling of boredom with the everyday acts of worship within my church and my life (Bible study, small groups, singing, even praying with others about shallow surface things). I almost feel like I am suffocating and I definitely don't feel free like I know I am in Christ.
I have done Bible study with the same group of ladies in my home for at least 3 years, and I still long to know deeper intimacy with this group. I myself am pretty transparent and my group probably finds my words shocking at times, but I keep hoping that by setting an example, others will follow. I have so many thoughts on your post and wish I knew you so that I could call and chat with you about these deeper things. I'll pray though and that is much better than any words I can share anyway.
Blessings to you on your faithful journey with Him, Amy
(I'm a friend of Kim's and found your blog through hers, ye kings of new england.)
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