I made a difficult decision last week. In the midst of memorizing obscure vocab words for the MAT test and finishing up my last essay, I decided to not apply to grad school after all. I just realized that I've been mourning that decision ever since, though I feel confident it was the right one for me and our family.
The mourning has fluctuated between fear that "Beth" is going to be swallowed whole by children and not make it to the "other side" (life with adult children) and sadness (selfishness) that I need to put the family first. Neither seem true in my mind, but they live in reality in my heart.
Sometimes I feel stripped by the kids' needs or merely by incessant chatter. And now that Sophie (22months) is putting together 3 and 4 word sentences the word bombardment has increased! She now refuses to wear cookie monster diapers. ONLY Big Bird ones are acceptable. And Ella will talk to anyone that moves. I actually welcomed our grocery store run today because the cashier took 5 minutes of interaction with Ella away from me.
So, I've been a bit depressed. Feeling mopey and struggling with my own selfishness. But today I was reminded that God is FOR me, Beth, and has not forgotten me. There have been some cool, very specific "for Beth" things that have happened. For instance, I found a photography class on "faces" just down the street for 5 weeks on the only free night in our week! And, we discovered a small group of students at Mars Hill Grad School who are meeting biweekly to combat human trafficking in Seattle. This Friday I get to go, thanks to a friend who was willing to take Sophie for awhile. And the really cool thing is that these are my primary passions now anyways!
I'm thankful to have a God who knows me intimately and fights for me valiantly. He will pull me through these tough little kid years and by his grace I'll make it to the "other side."
4 comments:
Wow, Beth. Thank you so much for sharing. One, I'm trilled that God has shown you these two HUGE "Beth things". Two, I needed to be reminded that God is for me as I continue to work to put Greg through school... I would rather be in a different life situation, but even in this one, God is for me. Thanks, sister!
Good to know I'm not the only one who feels this way some days... weeks... months!
Thanks for being real. I wish I could come get some "kid therapy" and give you some free time. I am so excited to hear about your photography class and the small group sounds wonderful! I'll pray that you can go more often than not!
Wow, can I identify with that post, Beth! I know it's been awhile since I've read your blog, but I read that at just the right time. Those are some of the same thoughts I've had lately, as number 4 approaches. We will all make it to the other side, and will most likely wish some (not all) of those kid moments back.
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