Do more good than harm and run another mile

So I've been training for a half marathon. It has not been fun because I'm not a runner- haven't run a race since Middle School when I joined cross country because I didn't make the cheerleading squad. This time I joined up because a friend talked me into it. She was very persuasive. And we were finishing our degree and I had just realized how I thrive with tasks I can check off and have completed. I mean, what in the life of a young mother is check off-able? Raise godly kids, instill moral character, enforce discipline, love your husband, eat well, walk with God... it just keeps on going with NO day of completion! I need to be able to check off a few things in life. Like May 9, 7:30am, ran Kirkland Half. Check.

In light of this training, forgive me for using the tiresome running analogy for life. I figure I am owed this right of metaphor as one of the few benefits of all these miles. It's not like there is physical evidence, aside from a nurse who recently told me I had a runner's pulse! (I think I worked that into every conversation I had that day.)

Now, before I begin, there is back story. It has to do with a book I recently finished, Kabul in Winter, which left me deeply saddened and grieved for Afghanistan and her people and even more confused about my own desire and ability to do good there. This alone deserves another blog entry. Suffice it to say, I've been thrown off course and struggling to persist... almost paralyzed in my own fear of doing more harm than good. Thankfully, wonderful hubby reminded me that my goal should merely be to try to do more good than harm, knowing I will do harm. It released me for some reason. Of course perfectionist self!

Back to running. The first two miles are always the hardest. I feel certain I'm going to quit, that my knees are going to grind into dust, that my ankles will collapse in the next bend. I am thinking of my persuasive friend- the one who broke her leg a week after we registered for the run- and the consequence of being both frugal (I was not going to have my fee go to waste) and hard headed (I will follow thru with or without her!) I am overwhelmingly full of doubt and despair and am not enjoying myself.

But something happens in mile 3. I get this tingly feeling like my legs just woke up, got into the game, agreed to cooperate. I find my stride. My thoughts are less cluttered. I hear the lyrics of the music I'm listening to and I am proud, happy, running! Until mile 5. Mile 5 is a wake up call. My knees remind me they are 36 years old. I start to feel itchy, uncomfortable. For a few minutes I must look like a duck with flees. But I'm on a new playing field now. I know I won't quit. I know it will pass. And it does. My stride comes back. I look like a runner again, not a duck. Now I'm focused. Bathroom. Latte. Mile 6 feels like mile 7 and mile 8 and I realize, I might actually do this thing! Check.

Kabul. Do more good than harm. I'm in the first two miles with A Face to Reframe. My head is full of all the ways well-intentioned people like myself end up doing harm without realizing it. I am overwhelmed with doubt and despair, even though I'm hard headed. I'm tempted to quit. But I know mile 3 is up ahead, somewhere. Right? But this time, unfortunately, it's not going to be check off-able.