For 10+ years our lives were oriented around Turkey. All paths led us to this country where we invested much sweat equity. But the returns didn't account for the level of original sacrifice. When we first boarded the plane in 1997, the sacrifice felt minimal. Any small thing seemed insignificant compared to the adventure and purpose which awaited us. We weren't thinking about a distant future when we would be starting over. When we would be back at square one in the world's eyes. No house, no job, no career, but 3 kids in tow.
It's been so humbling to be in this position in our mid thirties! And at times the insecurity and uncertainty regarding our future and doubt in our past threatens to overwhelm me.
I knew today I needed the voice of a trusted friend. Which author, having ministered to me so many times overseas, could speak to me now? I turned to Brennan Manning's Ruthless Trust, and found the soul food I longed for.
Today I've been reminded that "The way of trust is a movement into obscurity, into the undefined, into ambiguity, not into some predetermined, clearly delineated plan for the future."
I've clamored for clarity, direction, a vision for our future. I've guilted Chris into not having it while stewing in my own anxiety of not knowing where "all this" is leading. Brennan tells of a man who travelled to India to ask Mother Teresa to pray for him to have clarity. She refuses. Why? Because, she tells him, "clarity is the last thing you are clinging to and must let go of. I've never had clarity. I've always had trust. I'll pray that you trust God."
"Uncompromising trust in the love of God inspires us to thank God for the spiritual darkness that envelops us, for the loss of income, for the nagging arthritis that is so painful, and to pray from the heart, "Abba, into your hands I entrust my body, mind, and spirit and this entire day- morning, afternoon, evening, and night. Whatever you want of me, I want of me, falling into you and trusting in you in the midst of my life. Into your heart I entrust my heart, feeble, distracted, insecure, uncertain. Abba, unto you I abandon myself. Amen."
1 comment:
Beth,
I continue to enjoy and benefit from your frankness. What you write helps me think about aspects of life--chiefly, family life--and missions that, if ever, remain solely in my future.
I've never read that Manning book, but I was struck by Psalms 142-143 last week. In 143:9 the psalmist writes about hiding himself in God (NIV) or being covered by God (ESV margin). This imagery has sort of been haunting me lately--in a good way, of course. And as I move from Richmond to Chicago, all for a girl, I'm also at a place of some new beginnings and uncertainty--perfect for "ruthless trust."
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